The New Updated Version of Drug Dealing for Dummies
1. Make sure you purchase a mobile phone small enough to 'plug' (store up your bum) if the need arises.
2. It's imperative that your phone is 'encro'- fully encrypted so the police can't download the data. Of course they wouldn't have the audacity to retrieve your phone records from the network.
3. Armani tracksuits are sooo out. Nike NEVER goes out of fashion. So keep hoping; because you'll never be able to afford one.
4. It's paramount that you carry a suitably large knife for self protection. Then panic when you attempt to stab someone because you haven't taken the ribcage into consideration.
5. ALWAYS refer to yourself in the third person by using the word 'mandem'. I.e. 'the feds are sayin mandem is bein stitched up by his g's aait!'
6. Swap your g-pack wrapped in a plastic bag and stuff your shots into a kinder egg pot. Owning that plastic pot shows everyone you're making money. That is until you lob it away from you halfway through a police chase, and you watch in horror when it explodes on impact with the pavement and shots rain down on you.
7. Always be on the lookout for those sneaky undercover police cars- the well known BMW X5 that aren't used anymore, and completely ignore the drone that has been hovering above you for the past month.
8. You don't have to bother with that subtlety nonsense anymore. No more dark alleyways. You can stand in front of the local OneStop and sell drugs proudly clad in Nike and North Face. You have the ultimate get out of jail free card; "I'm being forced to deal drugs by a horrible County Lines boss".