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The New Boyfriend

Is a Northerner with a criminal record longer than my arm, currently in critical condition in hospital after being stabbed multiple times by his ex girlfriend after she found out we were together.

My last boyfriend had Asperger’s, who I met when he booked my services as a prostitute. He loathed me so much he once pretended we were going on a romantic getaway, but dropped me at a drugs rehab in the arse end of nowhere. It took me 2 weeks and the threat of taking our cat hostage to persuade him to pick me up.

I lost my virginity in a Nissan Micra to a 6ft 3 rugby player and broke his penis mid way through shagging him. The handbrake was lodged uncomfortably in my back for the whole thing.

The new boyfriend may have a dodgy background and be covered in stab wounds; but I think he might just be ‘the one’.

I say this quite confidently, because he’s the only boyfriend I’ve had so far whom I fancy. And the thought of sex, doesn’t cause me to fantasise about handing over the money for him to see a prostitute instead, rather than my episode of Real Housewives being interrupted.

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