• County Lines

The Good Arrest Guide

“You have been arrested on suspicion of burglary. It’s pointless trying to deny it, we have your fingerprints!”

“You can’t have! I wore gloves!”

The most common reaction upon being arrested, is the loss of all common sense, an overwhelming urge to bullshit, the sudden onset of violent tendancies and the instinctive need to deny, deny, DENY. It’s a recipe for disaster, the situation quickly spirals out of control, and before you know it you’re adamantly declaring…

“I TOLD YOU, YOU CAN’T HAVE MY FINGERPRINTS BECAUSE I WORE GLOVES WHEN I CARRIED OUT THAT BURGLARY”

Yes…that is a true story by the way.

So here is some guidance on how to deal with being arrested- from the minute the handcuffs are snapped onto your wrists, until your release from police custody 22 hours later, sporting a standard issue grey police tracksuit.

  1. First of all, there is no point arguing, fighting, begging, pleading, swearing, shouting, crying or pretending to faint; because you aren’t going to be de-arrested. Accept you’re fucked and suck it up.

  2. Don’t suck up to the officers, don’t abuse the officers, don’t emotionally blackmail the officers, don’t trot out some sob story, and DEFINITELY don’t answer any questions those officers pose to you before you have a solicitor glued to your side. Police officers are notoriously difficult to interact with. So much so that you can’t even risk breathing the wrong way.

  3. The way to avoid being handcuffed behind your back, is to pay close attention to the officers hand movements. The minute they reach down to their belt for the cuffs, stick both arms out in front of you in a dramatic fashion, keep your mouth closed, and look at the officer expectantly. Whether it’s British politeness, or just plain shock, it never fails to ensure there’s no likelihood of your shoulder joints popping out of their sockets.

  4. Spending hours and hours locked in a police cell with nothing but a blanket and plastic mattress to lay on, can be made more bearable by stating that you’re an alcoholic, drug addicted, schizophrenic with multiple personalities. The doctor on call will almost certainly dose you with large quantities of sedatives, so the custody Sgt can reassure himself that you’re not going to be a problem. Voilà! You can sleep those 22 hours away in blissful ignorance.

  5. Finally, from personal experience…there is no point attempting to protest your innocence by kicking the cell door for the entirety of your stay. All you end up with is a sore foot.

For some reason, answering “NO COMMENT”, can now be used against you in court for failing to cooperate. Instead, memorise the sentence…

“I’M NOT WILLING TO SAY ANYTHING THAT MAY JEOPARDISE MY FUTURE DEFENCE”

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