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Stockholm Syndrome

I feel like a twat writing this. I think I now understand Stockholm Syndrome. When victims of kidnap begin to empathise and start to care about their kidnapper… Let me just summarise here;

  1. I have been mentally broken down, manipulated, taken advantage of, used and abused, put in danger, stripped of my dignity, disrespected and totally humiliated by this group of drug dealers. I have been treated worse than a dog.

  2. My home has been taken over, my possessions destroyed, some of my most sentimental keepsakes have been stolen, expensive items trashed. My neighbours loathe me, as does my landlord who almost evicted me within the first 8 weeks of moving in. I have become a prisoner in my own home while this group have claimed it as their base.

  3. The state of my health has never been so dismal. I have lost 3 stone in 3 months, I am so malnourished from lack of sunlight, food and water that not only are my kidneys shutting down; which is causing water retention in my legs- making my ankles and feet swell up to the point where I can’t bend the joints. But clumps of my hair are falling out too. I am weak, lethargic and exhausted constantly. Any kind of stress causes my skin to burn exactly like it would if I was to pour boiling hot water over it. When my skin is not burning from stress it’s peeling off in great clumps. The constant anxiety is causing me to clench my jaw and grind my teeth so hard my face aches. I have not slept for weeks because I have been demoted to the sofa, not good enough for my own bed.

  4. I am a vulnerable adult listed on the severe mental illness register therefore meaning I cannot work so I receive benefits. But they have all stopped because I could not get to an appointment- twice in a row I missed it. I am unable to answer phone calls or speak at all on the phone so I could not ring up and appeal their decision to stop them. I have a friend who has been lending me money but I have lied to him as to what it’s for. Because if he found out that nearly £50,000 in four months has been spent on a group of teenage boys and their Nike trainers, Adidas tracksuits, taxis, hotels and endless takeaways, plus other transport and accommodation both in my flat paying extortionate rates for water electric and TV, frivolous items like Hugo Boss caps and Armani man bags but worst of all paying off their debts not once but twice for a couple of them. When he and myself are scraping by and they are living the high life; he would kill himself, as would I because I couldn’t live with the thought of what I’ve been forced to take off him. As the only other option is to sell sex in exchange for money but I was a prostitute for 9 years trapped by my mental health not being able to work and being what felt like raped day in day out is only something that you can numb with some very strong Class A drugs. A viscous circle.

  5. But in my view their most cruel move was to prey on someone not only stupidly naive (which I admit I am) and incredibly vulnerable, but prey on someone who has no one in their lives either. I have no one. My mum is dead, my dad abused me until I escaped and has never spoken to me since, I am an only child and my only set of grandparents who live around the corner are battling with their own health issues. My Grandad is terminally ill and quickly dying and my grandma is going the same way from heartbreak alone. I have not been able to help, I am eaten up with guilt but also angry at the world because I have no backup nobody to look out for me no one to notice if something has gone horribly wrong. And this situation has made that blindingly clear. I am invisible. I am a Nobody. Which makes me worthless which makes me have no value on this earth which means I shouldn’t be taking up valuable space.

And yet… I don’t hate these young teenage boys. Sometimes I actually quite like them. They have even made me laugh on occasions. I have disgusted myself by feeling surges of overwhelming protection towards them. I am hopeless and I understand Stockholm Syndrome.

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