• County Lines

Radio Silence

This is too ‘bookie’. Everyone and their mother has been raided now. The officers who came to see me about the car clocked on straight away.

And to top it all off, just as I thought I’d finally got rid of the tossers AND eventually the boss himself…he unexpectedly introduces me to a new ‘worker’. No asking me, no offer of payment to DEAL DRUGS from my property, no choice, no decision, no two ways about it… Except this new guy is LOVELY. And I found myself ASKING him to stay last night because he’s honestly a gentleman. How much more FUCKED up can this situation get. I have just spent 4 months desperate to get out of the imprisonment I found myself in, and the result of that has made me so constantly fearful, on edge, paranoid, anxious, terrified and scared that I now NEED these violent criminals around me to feel SAFE. My mental health right now is the worst its been since I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. Normally im just downright fucking miserable. But since these guys well and truly trapped me, im swinging from bizarre hysterical laughter, to anger and resentment so intense I wouldn’t trust myself around anyone for fear of lashing out, then im on the floor sobbing for hours on end before it swings to unexplainable, completely baffling happiness…at what I honestly dont have a clue. Probably and most likely im happy to have people to communicate with rather than just the mess that is my crazy mind. The more I read up on “cuckooing” the more angry at myself I become. HOW did I not notice it until two weeks had gone by, WHY was I in denial thinking I had the situation under control for SO long, WHY have I let myself be shat on repeatedly yet done NOTHING about it until recently, HOW do I have a degree yet get manipulated and emotionally blackmailed SO EASILY??? And I guess my last question…why is there still radio silence? I’ve reached out in the only possible ways more than once; which to me have seemed subtle but obvious considering I’ve sat here now in month 5 and watched a huge drug operation going on that’s bought down every cunt in the city, APART from these lads and my home that has the most activity, the dumbest dealers in the city and a vulnerable mentally ill woman living on her own with no friends or family. Can you tell I am about to spontaneously combust? Since writing the first post on here I’ve taken on that annoying habit some people have of “looking for signs”. I analyse my neighbours windows, the street, every parked car- you name it, curious as to whether there’s police equipment gathering evidence of the situation. Im thinking “is that peice of peeling paint on the opposite houses window ledge actually a camera?”, “do they use listening devices, and if so, should I talk louder?”, “can the police tap mobile phones? Because if they can this is my opportunity to be the opposite of subtle like all dealers demand that you be!”. But now im stuck. Properly stuck. I LIKE this new runner and I NEED this new runner. No, deep down I would prefer nothing at all; no criminals, no drugs, and no ANYTHING. But I don’t get a choice in the matter. I never did have. I thought those people that were offered payment were fucking lucky. I just get abuse.

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