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  • Writer's pictureCounty Lines

No Words

Right now I have no words to describe how utterly, utterly low, miserable, depressed and suicidal I feel.

I’ve had some low points in my life, what with battling mental illness from my early teens onwards. But never THIS low. If I thought I’d hit rock bottom before, I was wrong. I am at rock bottom now. All I can think about is walking to the train station and flinging myself into an oncoming train. I have no pills to overdose with- the police siezed them all and slapped an intent to supply charge on me. Yes really- for my own medication. Plus I apparantly have the tolerance of an elephant so I’ll admit defeat on suicide by overdose.

I’ve considered hanging myself. But where from? And all that maths malarky to calculate the weight and drop to make sure I snap my neck rather than snapping the rope and just landing in a heap on the floor is bound to go wrong. My life is fucked up. I’m a fuck up. So i’m BOUND to fuck that one up.

I have pondered throwing myself in front of a lorry. But Sod’s Law says i’ll end up paralysed from the waist down rather than dead. Then i’ll be arrested for manslaughter as a result of the lorry driver commiting suicide from the psychological trauma of running me over.

Therefore logic suggests I can’t go wrong with flinging myself in front of a train. I’ll definitely die and surely if an individual decides to become a train driver; that individual has to make peace with the fact that at some point in their career they will be running over some mentally ill whack job jumping out in front of them. Well I have peace of mind on that one, because I used to have a regular client who was actually a train driver, and his contract included specialist counselling for such occurrences. My only obstacle is how to raise the funds to buy a ticket to get near the train tracks to enable me to jump off them. But thinking about it, a train approaching a station isn’t going to be going very fast is it? Fuck. Ah got it, I know the perfect spot.

This cannot possibly fail. I am DONE with life. I sincerely apologise in advance to the train driver. But please let me reassure you- you’re doing me a favour. In fact you are my hero so thank you.

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