• County Lines

Home Truths

This is part of a letter I just spontaneously wrote to Mr Boss Man. I stopped because it had actually rendered me exhausted by that point.

You will likely never read this, and if you do you certainly won’t read it through to the end. But right now, I am carrying so much resentment, rage, bitterness and disgust around with me day after day that my body has literally shut down because I have nobody to share the burden with. As the people who are there are the one’s that have made me feel this way, or are too self absorbed to listen to me, or smirk at me while telling me how petty, juvenile and pathetic I’m being for feeling like this.

I’m being overly dramatic or too sensitive or just plain making something up that never happened.

And slowly over six months the weight on my shoulders; all the rage and resentment has built up and become heavier with every day that passes and though the weight is all emotion, that weight of emotion has got SO heavy, my body has physically broken by shutting down part by part.

The resentment and rage that consumes me everyday is because I was never asked if my home could be turned into a trap house, I would have never agreed to it being a trap house, yet 6 months on, I’m still trapped in a trap house.

I was trapped.

I was relentlessly harrassed over the course of a night by your runner who used emotional blackmail, guilt trips, sob stories. Who tried lying, begging, pleading and anything else that would work so his goal of manipulating me into a position where he was able to take away my right to make my own decisions away from me, give me no other option as to whether or not I let him in my home and ultimately, suceed in achieving what he’d set out to do. Prey on a solitary, vulnerable woman who was both naive and broken down enough to turn her home into a trap house.

You all differ from other shotters in my eyes. You’re the lowest of the low because not ONLY did you do that, you were also cruel enough to;

1. Leave me with no hot water so I couldn’t get a wash or shower for days on end even though I paid for that hot water. Then mock me because of the way I looked as a result of being unable to take a shower myself because there was only freezing cold water left for me to use.

2. Expect me to pay for food and drink to the point where £60 a day on food delivered to 5 or 6 boys would leave me in a position where I had to sacrifice feeding myself and go hungry to be able to do so.

But again, you had to take it one step further and cruelly carried on, this time KNOWINGLY because by then I’d pointed the issue out

…thats as far as I got before collapsing from anguish and exhaustion. The hatred I feel to this gang of lads is an emotion I’ve never come close to experiencing. I hate them.

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