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DRUG DEALING FOR DUMMIES

It’s imperative that you speak using the correct terminology; so begin addressing people as “fam”, “G”, or “cuz”. More importantly, you now refer to yourself in the third person using the word “mans”. I.e. “mans got p’s to make ennit fam”

(Always remember to use words such as “ennit”, “safe” or “nuff love” at the end of every sentence.)

Use the correct vocabulary- “whip” is a car. “Creps” are trainers. A “bando” is a house. A “strap” is a gun, a “shank” is a knife… you get the picture

Dump your iPhone X or Samsung Galaxy, and invest in a cracked £5 Nokia. Then pick up a Lyca SIM card on your way home. Everybody knows you can't retrieve phone records from a foreign network provider!

Set your ringtone to the standard Nokia “de de der der, de de der der, de de der der deeerrr” with the volume as high as it will go, followed by a text to every contact in your phonebook stating "ON. BEST IN TOWN. GOT BOTH". Obviously the police will never understand what this statement means.

The wages you’ll be promised but never get paid, is referred to as “P’s”…as is any amount of cash (not that you’ll find yourself handling much while you’re doing a 10-year sentence)

Don’t wear anything unless it has a Nike tick on it. But remember, there’s the distinct possibility they will fall off because let’s face it; you can’t afford to buy your clothes from JD Sports

Always walk with a prominent limp aptly named a "pimp limp". A.K.A a badly sprained ankle. To be a real gangster, you gotta look like a gangster.

Buy a man bag. Then stuff your pockets with drugs, stick a knife down the waistband of your jogging bottoms, have a fist full of cash, and use the other hand to hold your mobile phone…leaving the man bag empty.

If you get a glimpse of blue or yellow in your peripheral vision…RUN!!! If you get caught, your first reaction should be to lob the pack of drugs in the air, whilst simultaneously screaming "I ain't got nothing on me" while class A's rain down around you.


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