I just had to write the message below to a close friend, or who I thought was a close friend. I don't need to explain, but I will hold my hands up and admit that I am a total fucking knobhead when will I ever fucking learn?! The reason I am writing this is because I find it pitiful that you are feeling sorry for yourself. In just 22 days alone during your stay with us you earned £21,391. Each day *** and I gave you £972.31. Bare in mind we are just talking about 22 days here.

1. Make sure you purchase a mobile phone small enough to 'plug' (store up your bum) if the need arises. 2. It's imperative that your phone is 'encro'- fully encrypted so the police can't download the data. Of course they wouldn't have the audacity to retrieve your phone records from the network. 3. Armani tracksuits are sooo out. Nike NEVER goes out of fashion. So keep hoping; because you'll never be able to afford one. 4. It's paramount that you carry a suitably large knife