At the End…
I still haven’t heard anything from the police regarding the second drugs raid on my property at the beginning of the month, my subsequent arrest then casual dismissal from police custody due to being medically unfit to remain there.
I have long outstayed the time given to me from the day I was evicted.
And today I buried my grandfather.
I am living day to day on edge. Wondering whether it will be the police or bailiffs who bust through my front door. Whether I’ll be leaving my flat in handcuffs, or leaving because I can’t get back in due to the locks being changed.
I am SO bitter, SO angry. My way of communicating nowadays is similar to a spitting, hissing cat with its claws out ripping everything in sight to shreds. I hate everyone, everything gets on my nerves, I’m constantly pissed off and infuriated with the world. I sit and I smoke, drink vodka, and ignore life. I LOATHE life. I don’t give a shit about getting washed or dressed, I can’t be bothered to eat, I’m so drained and lethargic I barely move. I’m a simmering pot of resentment, bitterness, raging fury and overwhelmed with disgust at the police and their utter incompetence. The tiniest sounds aggravate me. The smallest movements wind me up. Colours, smells, touch; it all annoys the hell out of me; the results of which have me smashing everything within reach to pieces, or curled up in a ball sobbing my heart out.
How the FUCK am I being accused of this shit? Why the FUCK am I being targeted and harassed? Why the FUCK do people treat me so badly? What the FUCK have I done to deserve all this?
Maybe I could justify it if I was a cruel, mean, nasty person. Or self absorbed, greedy and selfish. Or thieved, lied, robbed and stole from people. But I don’t! I’m kind and generous and go out of my way for people. I have never hurt anybody. I am so soft that more often than not I end up sacrificing my needs for others!
How is taking drugs so WRONG? I take drugs to numb my thoughts and emotions. To hide from society. To close myself off from the world. To keep myself shut down. Because if I didn’t take drugs, and actually felt the pain of the past and the memories and the way people treat me… I wouldn’t be feeling pain, I’d be CAUSING pain.
I have never wanted to die so badly. I have never been so desperate to end my life. I have never been so suicidal in all the 31 years I’ve lived.