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  • Writer's pictureCounty Lines


The gang have disbanded. Minus the boss who is making damn sure he sticks to me like super-glue and kisses my arse in any attempt to keep my custom.

I have never felt so used and abused by anybody in my life. I have never felt so desperately let down by the police. I’ve watched those BBC documentaries that show the reality of the job, the 24 Hours in Police Custody series, watched the news and read newspaper articles. It never turns out like this though… Im embarrassed and ashamed of myself. How have a group of violent teenagers trapped an adult 10 years older than them? Worse, why didn’t I SEE it. I’ve never been paid by them. Nor been given free drugs. They’ve just manipulated me because my mental health issues make me so emotionally unstable, SO naive and when you fight a losing battle with major depression everyday… there’s no more fight left to give. Today for example; one of the members wanted money off me and he stood at my door stop buzzing my intercom which sounds louder than a fire alarm for 9 minutes straight. I don’t want to lose this place, I love it here. Fuck knows why because it’s a grotty little flat on a grotty little street but I feel more at home here than I’ve ever done anywhere else. But my landlord is losing his tether. As are my immediate neighbours. As am I to be honest. I’ve started self harming again which have not done since I was at the very depths of despair when my mental health was at its lowest years ago. But it’s not giving me the release I need. All I can think about right now is killing myself. Honestly I don’t want to live anymore.

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